Julian Barratt began his life encased in a small cocoa bean, it's from these humble beginnings that he now draws his comedic prowess.

Some say that he can deliver as many words per minute as a small californian hedgehog, whilst others are convinced that he plans to rid the world of envelopes, thus eliminating world debt.

Here, Julian relates tales of his secret wishes to become a huge motherloving, greasy teated swine, feeding us, his tiny eyed piglety babies with his sweet comedy milk.

Julian Barratt now lives in The Mighty Boosh, a secret press gang based in the motherland, Leeds. He is assisted by his long term ant-wife, Noel Fielding and frequently flogs his following subordinants MIke Fielding, Rich Fulcher & Dave Brown.