The Best One Liners in no particular order from the past 87 Years- The criteria were based on originality, cleverness, and how the jokes inspired generations of comedians. A ‘classic one liner’ serves as a new flagship in artistic merit that completely shakes down lazy, plain, typical art and delves into deep levels of brilliance, provocation, and achieves the desired outcome of masterpiece work. In short: the audacity to be different in positive and creative ways. Ultimately it’s an acknowledgement that these jokes have managed to stand the test of time.
Time is not the only benchmark that determines a classic however, as the list does not exclude newer one-liners from the past few years because just like the older ones that have survived the test of time to remain relevant, these recent one-liners not only separate themselves from the bunch, but they do so in a unique and counter-cultural fashion. They display delicate timing and thought, the type of which is bold enough to challenge the status quo of Comedy ultimately creating new boundaries

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Featured Comedians
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Steven Wright
So I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seatbelt, and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up...They were mad.
Groucho Marx
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart-attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots.
Stewart Francis
I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music. At first I was afraid, oh I was petrified.
WC Fields
During one of my trips through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew we had to live on food and water for several days .
Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there? Who is the real hero?
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
You know what man, I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed, they’re just as scared of me.
When I was a kid my mom said “Emo, we’re making chocolate icing, do you wanna lick the pan?” So I licked the pan and then she made the icing.
I was in a bar last night and there was a very hefty woman. She had a sweatshirt and it said “Guess,” I said “Thyroid problem?”
Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage.
Les Dawson
I met the wife at a travel agency. She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.
Tomorrow is my mother-in-law's funeral and she's cancelled it.
Richard Pryor
I had to stop drinking though cos I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.
Rodney Dangerfield
The other night in front of my house I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to him, “How come?” He said ”Cos you came home early.”
On his wife: The other day I called her up and said “Honey, I’ve been thinking about the last time we had sex, I’m getting excited.” She said, “Who is this?”
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t snort cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
Henny Youngman
In Miami I stopped at a very swanky hotel. I had to take a shave before they let me into their barbershop.
Rich Hall
Tricky isn’t it? If you’re gonna text someone that one of their relatives has died and your name is Lol.
Tim Vine
Somebody complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, "Parking Fine.”
Waiting, can sometimes be lots of fun…but not always.

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Funny humor stand up comedy weekend comedy special clean stand up stand up british comedy stand up comedian comedy 2016 richard pryor groucho marx demetri martin tim vine mitch hedberg emo philips rodney dangerfield one liners steven wright funny puns uk comedians