When we talk about attachment I find that we automatically think about someone being overly attached. Maybe it’s because the word itself “attachment” means to feel affection, fondness, or sympathy for someone or something. And sure there are four attachment styles (based on John Bowlby’s Theory of Attachment, Mary Ainsworth’s research, and Main & Solomon’s studies) These 4 types are: secure, insecure avoidant, insecure ambivalent, and disorganized, but we seem to focus on the overly attached components of these styles and forget all about those of us who are insecure avoidant, disorganized, or even ambivalent. If we fall into those styles of attachment it means that we never felt that we could count on our caregiver, or they sent us mixed messages about whether we could or not. Therefore, when we are in distress we don’t look for outside support, instead we can withdraw and isolate ourselves. Many of my patient’s who have these styles of attachment will state that they can only count on themselves, believing that others will just let them down. Or they are too afraid of being hurt, that it’s better to not count on anyone else.

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