It was time for me to share something about myself that has been inside for as long as I can remember. Something that has caused sleepless nights, heartbreak, and more pain than I ever knew existed. 

I remember in my early teenage years thinking, “I will die old without anyone ever knowing this secret about me”.  You can explain it in a lot of different ways but I’ll just say for as long as I can remember I’ve had an attraction to the same sex.

I wish I could adequately put into words how dark and painful a place like this can feel, especially as a teenager growing up in a world where this was not as accepted as it is today. If you have personally felt that you’ve carried a secret, or this one in particular, you know EXACTLY how I feel. Up until 20 years old, for the most part, I kept these thoughts and feelings about my sexuality to myself.  The thoughts and temptations surrounding my sexuality caused me to leave my faith. You see it was my doubts about God like, “Why am I this way” or “I don’t understand this so I don’t trust you” that pushed me to walk away and leave the church I called home. 

I have told many people this but I believe my distance from God caused more problems than my actions did.  My same-sex desires, matched with my unmet hope to find a wife, were the perfect pairing of loneliness that caused me to doubt the one whom I had trusted for so long.

I titled this blog post Being Gay & Loving God, because I want to make one thing very clear. When I came back to God and got baptized in 2018 my same-sex attraction didn’t magically disappear. This is an important truth because it shows so many people, specifically in that community, that God not only loves them but that he’s longing to know them. If all of my homosexual feelings disappeared, it would almost say to those searching that they have to be good enough to meet God. That in itself goes against everything we believe about grace and the life that Jesus lived.

I want to also be clear that God DOES change us for the better when we choose to open our lives up to Him. I think for far too long religious people have tried to define what that change should be and how quickly it should take place.

Do I walk around carrying a specific title under the LGBTQ+ covering? I don't, but I did want to share the title of this blog post to show that many of the feelings that would categorize me as “gay” didn’t go away when I returned to faith. For many years, I lived in the dilemma of “I’m gay, and I love God.”

I will unapologetically open myself to the criticism of people whom I do not know if it means I can offer hope to someone who feels alone and without support.

If you can relate to my story at all know that you are not crazy, you are not alone and you are most definitely loved. No matter where you go or what you do you will always have a home at the cross. 


** I want to end by briefly saying that this was my original blog post opening up about my sexuality and time living the gay lifestyle. This particular story was shared 4+ years ago and has now been reposted. With such a complex topic, there is no way to cover everything in one post. This is not my complete story, but is meant to be a foundation I can build upon as I continue to share.

I faced a lot of unhealthy pressure from my former workplace to delete this post. After time has passed, I feel that this video is supposed to be out there! I'm now in a relationship with a girl, but this was apart of who I was. Although I’m not in this exact place anymore, it’s important to me to share my full journey for others to see.

As always, I welcome your questions and comments below! This helps me come up with new topics and even learn things that others are dealing with. I don’t ask this often, but would you consider sharing this with someone who may need this encouragement?

Consider joining my weekly email “3 Deep Breaths // We'll explore topics like everyday faith, intentional living and encouragement from scripture!
https://www.letsretreat.org/

Watch "Following Jesus with Same-Sex Attraction" to hear more of my story!
   • Following Jesus With Same Sex Attraction  


Timecodes:
0:00-2:00 My Deepest Secret
2:00-4:00 Feeling Alone
4:00-6:00 We Are His
6:00-7:44 I Share My Story For You