Let’s talk utes. They’re incredibly popular in ‘Straya. You are of course free to buy whatever ute you want - but here’s where I’d put my money.

First up, you have to ask yourself: Do you really need a ute? If you don’t, you need to realise, objectively, that these things are pretty bad value. They’re unrefined to drive and they lack many of the the advanced features that you’d get for the same spend if you were to buy a softer SUV wagon.

But if you need a ute for work, or for the heavy towing capacity, or for the extreme off-road capability - beating the Shitsvillian wilderness into submission, whatever. Towing the QE2 with a tray full of nine-inch angle grinders: Fine, go for it.

It you need the towing without the off-road capability, though, get two-wheel drive. If you want to hedge your bets, you can boost ground clearance with something like the 2WD Mazda BT-50 Hi-Rider - that’s going to be about $7000 cheaper than the 4WD equivalent.

Same tow capacity, and it’s got 100 kilos more payload, because the 2WD is a lot lighter - no transfer case and no front diff and related drivetrain bits and pieces.

So, with all that out of the way - the volume in the Shitsville ute market is weighted heavily to 4WD, and among private buyers it’s weighted heavily towards the premium variants in the model ranges. Suits in utes.

To put this in perspective: In 2017 Ford sold almost 6000 4X2 Rangers and 37,000 4X4 Rangers. Holden sells almost 10 times as many 4X4 Colorados compared with the 4X2. Toyota sells around three times as many 4X4 Hiluxes, versus 4X2.

Which brings me to the top two utes, which will do a decent job for you, laden or unladen, on-road and off, towing or not. Good value, decent support (not outstanding, but at least decent).

Mazda BT-50 - it’s essentially a discount Ford Ranger (read: better value) made in the same factory, in Thailand - like all of the allegedly ‘Japanese’ utes, but supported by a company that won’t burn you by default if there’s a problem. And that five-cylinder 3.2 engine is great.

Mazda’s recent upgrade to five year-unlimited kilometres on the warranty is a confidence-inspirer, too.

You should also consider the Mitsubishi Triton. Triton is a solid package and the Super-Select II AWD system on the mid- and up-spec models does something pretty unique among Japanese utes: It allows you to run in AWD mode on high-traction surfaces.

That is to say: you can select 4WD high range with the centre diff unlocked and drive on high-traction surfaces all day long if you want. That’s pretty advanced for a ute.

And Mitsubishi’s support is decent as well. Plus, Mitsubishi doesn’t go all ‘smoke and mirrors’ on the tow capacity for Triton. See, many other brands join the 3.5 tonne tow capacity club. But they do so only by severely restricting the payload you can carry if you tow a 3.5-tonne trailer. Often to the extent of ridiculous impracticality.

Triton doesn’t play quite that game. Its 3.1-tonne tow capacity is far more realistic.

Here’s an example: If you tow 3.5 tonnes with a BT-50, payload capacity is reduced by a massive 700 kilos, ballpark. So, four fat men in the BT-50 and 3.5 tonnes of trailer, and you’re basically overloaded from a GCM perspective.

And it’s not just the BT-50; it’s most of the utes. It’s a joke.
Triton towing 3.1 tonnes: the payload takes a 125-kilo hit. That’s manageable. Big difference. Big jump towards rationality in the specifications.

So, anyway, I want a ute that looks like a Colorado or a Ranger, that drives like an Amarok, with the cachet of the X-Class and the Ranger/Mazda engine, with Mitsubishi’s Super-Select II drive system, and I want it to have all the fruit of a Hyundai Santa Fe Highlander, and Kia’s warranty, and I want to buy it from Subaru, Hyundai or Kia - the best customer support operators on the Shitsville automotive landscape.

So I guess I’d have to settle for what’s possible - and that means, a BT-50 or a Triton. And for me it would be the BT-50 XTR 4X2 Hi-Rider - because I don’t really need 4X4. I could live without that.
Or a Triton Exceed - pretty nice. Pretty outstanding value.
Don’t get me wrong - they sell Rangers like the world’s about to end. And I don’t really mind what people buy - we get people good deals on Ranger, Colorado and Amarok all day long.

I get that subjectivity is a big part of the decision. But if you want to buy a ute rationally and stack the deck in your favour, so the experience does not suck out your soul and leave you a withered husk, that’s what I’d be dumping the big bucks on.