In this video I talk about attachment wounding (failure of bonding with caregivers) and why and how it shortens your life, as we saw last week with singer Sinead O'Connor dying in her late 50s. This may happen for many different reasons: birth trauma, having a mum who is herself traumatised or with post-natal depression or being separated shortly after birth for instance.

In order to deal with this a child has to develop a strategy to get their emotional needs met if this is possible. This sets up 4 different attachment styles which carry through into your adult relationships as a pattern:

1/secure - you are able to regulate your emotions and think rationally at the same time. you are confident of getting your needs met.
2/insecure/avoidant/dismissive - can't access feelings - often avoidant of relationships
3/ insecure/ambivalent/anxious/ preoccupied - feel but can't think, too much feelings become clingy and needy, intense in relationships, liable to co-dependency, enmeshed.
4/ insecure - no strategy works, so become very unregulated neurologically. Have mental health issues and possibly addictions as have a lot of shame. Safety is absent.

Strategies 2 and 3 are understandable as they got your needs met - the problem is they then get stuck as habitual patterns of being which no longer serve you in your adult life.
They need to be healed in order to live a happy and long life..

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0:00 Intro - what creates longevity - or not!
01:00 ACEs - adverse childhood events can be small t trauma is often attachment trauma
02:00 Attachment (bonding patterns) predicts life trajectory and physical health
04:00 Attachment styles reflect the strategy you adopted to get your emotional needs met
07:00 Avoidant strategy can be dismissive in adulthood or narcissistic
07:40 Ambivalent anxious types - get enmeshed, preoccupied, needy, co-dependent
08:32 Therapy has to work differently with both types
09:50 Disordered attachment creates serious mental health issues
11:30 Nervous system regulation can be learned in therapy- to create islands of safety
13:00 How shame undermines you and creates self-harm and self-criticism